How to have the MOST romantic sex.
It’s been a wild ride. 100 years ago, sex was mostly about procreation and was mostly driven by a man’s drive. I don’t want to go back to that era.
However, with the “sexual revolution” we have gone to places no one back then could even imagine. When barriers come down, they come down hard. When curtains fall, we are often witness to things that we didn’t want to see.
Such is the death of romantic sex. I read this article last week and knew I had to write a post about it. Go read it if you have time, but the summary is: Wild girl who is beginning to recognize her need for intimacy is acutely aware that the current generation is forgetting how to have romantic sex.
Painful. I had already read it when my wife sent it to me as well. This issue must really resonate with women! Some women it seems are becoming frustrated with society and it’s demand for more exotic and erotic sex.
To the detriment of romantic sex.
Now, our current state of affairs (pun intended) leads me to believe we will wait for the cosmo article on “How to have more romantic sex.” I’m sure they will write it once the word gets to them, but I believe the solution is a bit more complicated.
You see – somewhere in this process, we have changed the game. The entire process by which we find mates is different now that it has ever been. We have thrown out the baby with the bathwater so to speak. We have rightly revealed that sex, as it was designed by God, is supposed to be pleasurable. It supposed to be the greatest part of your marriage. It CAN be the greatest part of your marriage. But you must understand it’s worth and why we crave romantic sex. It is possible to have the most romantic sex if you understand how romantic sex really works.
When I got married I was given a book by Dr. Ed Wheat – Intended for Pleasure. This groundbreaking book opened the door for a lot of Christians to put sexuality in its proper place. Fast forward 30 years and we have such a sexualized culture that we have lost our way to deep and fulfilling relationships. Like the author in the article, we have forgotten how to have romantic sex.
And yet, we crave it. Long for it. Ultimately we desire it over the physical pleasure-driven sex that dominates our “Sex in the City” model.
If you desire a deep and committed relationship, this article is for you.
So what has gone wrong?
Here is the typical way relationships begin in our current culture:
Boy meets girl. Girl sleeps with boy. Boy and girl decide whether to have a relationship.
This is the current process society has chosen to follow as the way to a relationship. It is relatively new, and certainly only recently has it become ok to refer to this process as normal. Now, this is not to say that this hasn’t happened in the past, we are talking norms here. This has become the defacto way to begin relationships.
It is why there is less romantic sex. It’s why the author is going to be disappointed in the future of sex in her relationships and why so many relationships don’t have the security and intimacy of our grandparents. We are told by the sexperts to just try the new fad, the new toy, the new position, the new number of partners. And yet we are unsatisfied.
I want to say I don’t want to go back to anything. I appreciate that we have discovered sexuality and that it has a place in relationships that should be cherished and taught. It has been only a short while that the church has opened itself to the idea that sex is good and part of a fulfilling life. It’s just we now need to reconnect with how a healthy sexual relationship looks. While Dr. Wheat was telling us nearly 40 years ago that we were Intended for Pleasure, we now need the sequel, Intended for Marriage. Intended for Romantic Sex inside a marriage.
So, let me give you the way relationships ought to form:
Boy meets girl. Girl and boy spend TIME getting to know each other. Boy and girl sleep together after getting married.
But Dr. Hattabaugh, that is so old-fashioned. Yep. just a time tested formula for around 6000 years or so.
But Dr. Hattabaugh, it just doesn’t work that way anymore. Why not? It has continued to work for those who chose to do it that way.
But Dr. Hattabaugh, you just don’t want anybody to have fun! Oh YES, I DO! I’m having lots of fun with my wife of 28 years. I just want you to have more fun that what physical sex gives you. I want you to have the desire of your heart – a relationship that is deep and meaningful.
Now, as with all human endeavors, there are exceptions. I’m not saying that if you follow this formula you are guaranteed a great relationship. You might not, but you will statistically have a much higher chance. So, let’s label the current way we are beginning relationships Method A, and the method I suggest we follow method B – Sex after commitment into a marriage. Now let’s look at the data from many studies on sexuality and marriage. The links lead you to the studies or articles about the studies.
Who has the most sex? B (and it’s not even close)
Who has the most varied sex? B (fun and romantic even.)
Who will be more likely to stay together? B(again, not even close, especially for women)
Who will live longer? B(again, dramatic increase)
Who will make the most money? B again!
I know I added some non-sexual data but all of this plays into our ability to enjoy sex. You see the more committed a relationship (and yes this means a piece of paper), the more romantic and pleasurable the sex is.
So why do people get mad when you tell them this?
Easy – Instant gratification.
We want everything and we want it now. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. You don’t know me.
No, I don’t know you. No, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I don’t want laws undermining your right to live as you please. I actually think the government should get out of the relationship business. They sure have messed it up – nobodies happy with it now. I’m just trying to get our reality to match the data. I do want to give you the best option. Marriage works. Sex inside of marriage is the best there is.
When I was a kid we had everything instant pushed on us. Instant coffee, minute rice, jello in a cup. We became the first instant gratification generation. We have rejected a lot of that idea now. McDonald’s is struggling. When was the last time you had instant noodles? And processed meat I thought so. We are going back to raw foods and well-prepared foods. My newly married brother-in-law just spent 5 hours simmering a ragu sauce.
So why not relationships?
It’s time to dump the fast food relationship. It’s time to relish the slow nurturing of a relationship, stopping to get to know the partner before jumping in over our head.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller writes: “Across all ages and genders, married people typically have more sexual contact than their single counterparts.”
So, you want to have romantic sex? Slow down! If you aren’t married, develop a new commitment to get to know someone deeply before physical and emotional commitments. If you are already married, apologize to your partner for your fast-food binge before you got married and re-learn how to be romantic. Go out on the dates you should have had to get to know each other. Trust me, God will honor your commitment to love your partner deeply and unconditionally.
If you don’t like what I’m writing, I’m not sorry. My stuff is probably not for you. But it’s the truth. Maybe not in your case, but lots of studies say I’m right. Lots of my counseling appointments show couples who face the wounds from doing it wrong.
If you are already doing what I propose in this article! Way to go! It doesn’t guarantee a great relationship, but it’s one of the key components of creating one. I have a more direct approach for married couples here on have great sex.
The choice is yours. Romantic sex is available if you are willing to make the sacrifices before and after you get married to have an AMAZING sex life and an INCREDIBLE marriage!
So get out there and-
Make YOUR Relationships GREAT!
Would you like me to help you personally improve your relationship? Schedule a LIVE relationship coaching session HERE!