Desperate for Desire
We are desperate for desire. To ignite passion and purpose. To fully exist in a life with meaning.
Some pursue it to the detriment of their health and relationships. With reckless abandon, they choose desire over security. They live firecracker lives with a short fuse and a loud bang. Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. Many public personalities pursue this form of desire.
Others try to muffle desire with morality and judgment. It’s not surprising that moralists tend to publically fail from the very social “ills” they condemn. Preachers who preach one thing as an “abomination”, then get caught doing the very thing they say is despicable. Politicians who challenge us to live one way, while they seemingly ignore their own excess.
Most of us, and I think (and hope) I’m in this category, live what feels like a bi-polar life, chasing desire, then pushing it away when it gets too uncomfortable. There is always this tension of living life to it’s fullest, but being liked by others. Of being the “good girl” when your heart senses there is more to life. This article is for you.
I want to talk to average people who try to live a good life, but seem to struggle with an inside “passion” for more. I want you to hear something very clearly:
That voice is NOT bad.
It is OK to be desperate for desire. It’s what you DO with that voice. There are 3 choices:
Choice #1 -Surrender completely to desire and it will destroy you.
We tend to give up and surrender our flesh to our passion. “The devil made me do it” is partially true. Temptation comes when we seek relief from that voice and give in to the vices of this world. With a dismissive “Screw it”, we jump into bed with someone when we know we will regret it. We take the drugs, consume the alcohol, or any other physical thing that pushes us to escape the reality and drudgery of everyday life.
Don’t do it. It will destroy you.
Choice #2 – Fight or ignore desire, and it will consume you.
Moralists exist in more places than you know. I have found them on both sides of the political isle. They just define morality differently and both accuse the other of lack of sensitivity to the needs of the day. I have heard it from pulpits. Yes, the Bible is a book of life, but I’m talking about preachers who fixate on morality. Westboro Baptist Church comes to mind as a clear example.
Most of us who have spoken in church have succumbed to it at one point or another. Moses did. Moses came down from getting the commandments and found the Israelites consumed by their desires. He was so angry he threw down the tablets, ground them up, and then made a nasty drink out of the stone powder. That’s an angry preacher! Because of his anger (and the surrender from the Israelites), Moses didn’t get to see the promise land.
A bit of clarity here. We have become a society that has no moral absolutes. “If it feels good, do it!” is not what I’m advocating. However, when you lose the “why” behind your morality and it simply becomes about you being right, or controlling. You have gone too far. Have morals, know why you have them. You can then pursue the real “passion” in your life.
Don’t fight desire – it will consume you.
Choice #3 – Understand desire can drive you to fulfill your destiny.
Pardon the Star Wars reference, but that move was all about Luke’s selfish pursuit of desire – power and control, were what Darth Vader wanted him to plug into. Thankfully for the galaxy, he understood his desire was to be selfless and help the world, his true purpose.
Desire is a powerful thing. We are desperate for desire because we were created for a purpose in our life and relationships. Let me explain how this works using my marriage.
I “desire” my wife. I have been married to her for 28 years and yet I still crave intimacy with her. I love being with her and sharing intimate moments together. I believe sex is much more important in our relationships than we fully understand. For men especially, it is how we best experience the depths of our relationship (I wrote about adventure in relationships here) and make ourselves the most vulnerable. I am definitely one of those men.
When I recognize the “desire” I have to be intimate with my wife, I can do all 3 of these choices. If I do the first, I can try to force intimacy on my wife. I can mistake it for lust and sex in an unhealthy way. I might scare her, or be demanding. It can lead to her feeling very unloved and unappreciated. My giving into my “passion” can cause long-term problems in my relationship. Definitely not healthy.
If I condemn my “desire” by either punishing myself or suppressing the desire as “sinful”, I only create an opportunity for failure. I will either eventually “act out”, or will drift away from my wife over time. I have found that for me in the times I tried to push away my desire that I developed hostility and said hurtful things to her that I would regret.
The best approach has been to use my desire to pursue my wife in every way I could. I wanted her to desire me back! When I acted with this in mind, to get her to desire me as much as I desired her, the results were great! Not only did I feel fulfilled by my desire, I grew the connections of my marriage in ways that were deeper than I wanted. The intimacy became fulfilling and extraordinary. My wife, who’s desire for me is largely about security, also felt her needs fulfilled because I had made her feel safe and loved.
The great news is, YOU can figure this out in every area of your life! Instead of fighting your “desire” ask what your desire is really telling you. Finding out what is behind it can lead you to use it to build your purpose in your relationships and career. Not digging into them will lead to the same destructive behaviors.
I hope you understand better why you are desperate for desire. It may seem in conflict with what you think you are. Learn to harness it and you will watch your relationships and purpose in life really take off!